Sometimes, it’s not even that I want to die because I hate being alive
–it’s that death’s the only way to get away from other people. They disgust me, more often than they don’t, and I’m sick of being one of them. Sick of the pettiness, the bullshit, the stupid, impotent anger we, the consumerati, have over silly, tiny shit. That people think nothing of ruining the day of someone who’s never done anything to them–who is, in fact, trying to help them–just because they can. Because they can’t their fill-in-the-blank fix as fast or as easily as they’d like.
I work in customer service, and get to see a fairly wide cross-section of American attitudes. I would hope that maybe it’s only US citizens. when it comes to this level of misery and narcissism and mean-spiritedness, but . . . man’s a predictable animal. A herd animal. We’re all the same. No matter where I go, people would be rude, stupid, lazy, cruel, thoughtless, immature. Small.
There’s only one way of getting away from that entirely.
It might not have made sense an hour ago, even, but it does now. I can see so clearly, dispassionately, that there’s no other getting away from what makes me the most unhappy: people. The only way to be at any kind of peace–forget happiness, I don’t expect that anymore, unless I’ve had too much caffeine–is for them to die, or me. And since even the best ninja can’t take out an enemy that’s six point-something billion strong. . . .
I don’t know anymore. Why I’m here, or why I bother. The thought of doing this for another fifty years makes me so tired, and I just want to sleep. The never-wake-up kind. I’m tired of struggling and being miserable when they’re the ones that suck. When they make me wish I was dead, not the other way around. I’m the wronged party here, but there’s no redress for this. No other way out. The only question is, do I take it into my own hands, or let time/circumstance do it for me?
Every day I lean more toward the former. Only a crazy person or a masochist would hang around just to be abused, right?
I just don’t want to be angry and sick of everything all the time.
